Zucchini Chronicles
by Rukiabi
Summary: Sequel to ‘How Itachi Turned To The Dark Side’. Join Itachi and Kisame on their quest in search of the Nine Zucchini Tailed Fox Demon. SasuNaru?


Zucchini Chronicles Ch.1: The Nine Zucchini Tailed Fox Demon

Sequel to 'How Itachi Turned To The Dark Side'.

Join Itachi and Kisame on their quest in search of the Nine Zucchini Tailed Fox Demon

Disclaimer: I wonder why we even need to write these things since I mean WHERE are these fics located in the first place? This couldn't possibly be a FAN fiction meaning that it is written by people other than the original author/creator now could it?

...so Itachi and Kisame aren't mine but... The ZUCCHINIS are O.O (just keep that in mind)

Disclaimer (PART 2): All characters, and original plots, are © of Kishimoto Masashi.

Warning: OOC's, parodies, err shounen-ai? and an overuse of dattebayo ahead.

* * *

As we continue the quest in ridding the world of the horrible zucchinis, we find Uchiha Itachi and Hoshigaki Kisame running at full speed through the thick of the woods and conversing in a pleasant conversation. 

"Eh, Itachi, why are we conversing in a pleasant conversation anyway?

Itachi's eyes narrowed slightly.

"Because… the Zucchinis!" thunder and lightning in the background

"……."

"And," continued Itachi, "because we are on a journey to find the Nine Zucchini Tailed Fox Demon. With its great strength, ridding the world of zucchinis will be a simple task!"

"Ah, and how do you suppose we'll find the Nine Zucchini Tailed Fox Demon?" asked Kisame.

A glint of light passed through Itachi's eyes.

"By heading towards an anonymous village."

Meanwhile…..

Sasuke had been enjoying a lovely afternoon training.

"I am enjoying a lovely afternoon training." Said Sasuke as he powered up another Chidori.

After destroying another boulder, Sasuke stopped in his position.

He stood there, and stood there…. And stood there some more.

Five hours past

Sasuke checked his non-existent watch hiding underneath all of his black armbands.

"It's about time to go to Kakashi-sensei for," Sasuke paused dramatically as the bridge of his nose tinted red, "….help… yes."

Sasuke lept off the ground and started towards the direction of Kakashi's apartment.

Upon arriving at his destination and walking up the steps to Kakashi's room oh so smoothly, he turned the knob of the door…

"Kakashi, I'm here for You-Know-What again—huh?"

… and found Asuma, Kurenai, and a strangely dressed Gai lounging in his sensei's bedroom.

"What happened to Kakashi-sensei?" asked Sasuke, directing his sight towards the bed and taking note of the drool coming out of his sleeping teacher's mouth before his eye darted to a certain pocket on a jounin vest hanging off a clothes rack.

Sasuke blushed with an expressionless face. "He looks like he was on dope."

The door bursts open off of its hinges all of a sudden and reveals 'That Guy With The Sunglasses' (No! Not Ebison! That other guy!) with a relaxed look.

"Is it true that Uchiha Itachi has returned to Konohakure?"

Sasuke's eyes turned super big and bags and wrinkles magically appeared underneath them. "Uchi—"

"And he's accompanied with some psycho mermaid carrying a giant porcupine?—"

"Uchiha—"

"—And they're responsible for Kakashi's comatic state?—"

"—chiha I—"

"And they're after the Nine Zucchini Tailed Fox Demon which just so happens to be within Naruto's belly button?"

"—tachi—"

"And—"

"SHUT UP!"

Everyone in the room stared at Sasuke.

'Damn!' thinks Gai, 'Here comes another Sasuke and Itachi brotherly angsty 2 episode Revenge Arc. I won't be appearing for a while… Why?'

Sasuke stands there for a few minutes (with eyes still bulging) until a zucchini shaped light bulb clicks on and Sasukes eyes bulge a little less.

"Naruto…" Sasuke whispers.

The room's occupants watched Sasuke spin around in place and run out the opening in the wall, leaving footprints on the poor apartment door lying on the ground.

silence

"… so… who's going to tell Kakashi?"

Meanwhile, Meanwhile, In the Future…

In an anonymous village, in an anonymous hotel, in an anonymous room, on an anonymous bed sat a cross-legged Naruto, fuming with boredom.

"Damn that perverted Hermit, Dattebayo, leaving me here to "train" while he goes off with a sexy woman, Dattebayo."

knock knock knock

The genin leveled ninja turned toward the hotel door.

"Who is it, Dattebayo?

A faint Darth Vader breathing could be heard.

"I… am your father." (dun Dun DUN)

Meanwhile, Meanwhile, Meanwhile, Back to the Present….

Sasuke was ninja-running at full speed.

"I must," Sasuke thought aloud, "save the fish paste!"

Then all of a sudden, some little voice within Sasuke started to protest. 'NO! Not THAT Naruto! The other Naruto!'

Sasuke seemed to have turned to his mechanical robot phase "…yes.. Naruto.." before he turned back into his heroic phase. "I must save Naruto,--" shouted Sasuke, "—my LOVER."

Sasuke then ninja-hopped from roof to roof until he reached Naruto's apartment. "LOVER, are you here?"

"Ahhh!" Sakura screamed in surprise at the sudden opening of the apartment door. "Sasuke..?"

"Where's my LOV- I mean, where is Naruto?"

"Right in front of you."

Sasuke seemed to notice Sakura's appearance for the first time. She was wearing a Naruto cosplay outfit with drawn on whiskers and sky blue coloured contacts. The only difference from the actual Naruto was the shade of her skin and her voice.

She held up a cloth-wrapped bento box in her left hand. "I brought us some ohagi for us to eat."

He immediately did a 90 degree pivot and ninja-ran out of the apartment entranceway.

Sakura crossed her arms and hmfed. "Darnit…"

Sasuke's next destination was the noodle vendor that Naruto always liked to go to.

"Naruto!" Sasuke slid to a stop right in front of the shop, leaving flaming tire marks behind him.

"Oh if you're looking for Naruto, he left with Jiraiya-san."

"Jiraiya?"

"Jiraiya-san, one of the Legendary Sannin, of three genius ninjas."

"Where can I find them?" shouted Sasuke.

"We'll… I'd tell ya, but I'm feeling down from lack of business today… Maybe I'll tell you when I get some more customers."

Sasuke reached out a hand. "Serve up Old Man."

"Alright! One bowl of beef ramen coming right up!"

Sasuke took the round bowl and gulped all of the ramen, beef, naruto, and soup in one swallow.

"Gasp!" cried the Old Man. "You are the first to have ever finished my noodles in one second. No one else can compete, not even that spikey blond haired kid!"

The Old Man had somehow reappeared beside Sasuke and the stools, groveling under Sasuke's toes. "Naruto and Jiraiya-san left for the nearby lodging town. Jiraiya is a big white-haired old man, you can't miss him."

Sasuke had gone before the man had even a chance to lift his head.

Sasuke ninja-sprinted through the forest, his arms flailing lifelessly behind him. Three seconds later, he had arrived in the anonymous village. Sasuke stopped and looked around. Narrowing his eyes, Sasuke whispered, "Naruto… where are you?" before he ninja-jumped over people to the nearest hotel.

"Is a blond kid with a stupid face around my age, and a big white-haired old man staying here?

"I'm sorry, our inn is for women only."

Sasuke ninja-jumped again to the next nearest hotel, and then the next nearest hotel to that one.

"Did a stupid looking blond kid around my age come here with a big white-haired old man?"

"Sorry, but we only have seniors staying here today."

"We only lodge vegetarians."

"We are only vacant to clowns."

"No super heroes allowed! We only lodge villains!"

"Did a stupid blond haired kid and a white haired old freak come here?"

"This is a gay hotel." began the receptionist, "Hmm…. maybe. Ah! Now I remember! A pretty blond boy with an equally pretty white haired bishi. I believe they are in room 1 at the end of the hall of the second floor."

Sasuke wasted no time in ninja-running up the stairs and knocking on the said room's door.

"Alright, alright, I'm opening the door." Said a voice before the door swung open to reveal--- Sasuke blinked.

There before him stood a very hot bishi with layered blond hair ending a little below the shoulders.

"Huh, who is it Marik?" spoke a voice from the background.

"Don't know, some angsty boy from another anime."

"I see…" Bakura walked up from behind the door, revealing to Sasuke his long white hair. Sasuke was gaping like a fish. 'No way…'

Marik continued, "And from the looks of it, he doesn't plan on staying so why don't we turn back to evil Marik and evil Bakura and we'll… continue off what we started."

Bakura gave a serene smile. "Sure."

Meanwhile, Meanwhile, Meanwhile, Meanwhile Still in the Present…

"What, Dattebayo?"

A lot of coughing could be heard behind the door. When the coughing ceased, the voice spoke up again.

"I said I can't walk any farther. Please let me in"

"Why, Dattebayo?"

"Because I said I can't walk any farther."

"If you can't walk any farther, Dattebayo, then you definitely can't walk in here."

"Actually," spoke up the voice, "I can walk two steps farther so let me in."

Naruto's eyebrows furrowed but he didn't question any further. Just who was this guy anyway? "Alright, alright, Dattebayo, I'm opening the door—"

Naruto unlocked the door and opened it to reveal—"---Sasuke!"

Naruto's expression was that of shock. "You… had your growth spurt before me, how could you, Dattebayo! And just a few hours ago, you were the same height as me…" With a South Park cross-eyed face, Naruto complained, "Why are you always the number one in everything, Dattebayo!"

Itachi's right eye twitched. "NO. I am not my pathetic little brother. Now step outside. Kisame and I are going to kidnap you."

Naruto did as he was told, all the while keeping eye contact with Itachi.

Just as Naruto was going into his fighting stance, Kisame held up a hand. "Now wait justa second kid." Kisame reached into his non-existent coat pocket and pulled out a long thin piece of folded paper.

"Ah, let's see. First we're going to cut off your legs, you know, so you don't run away. Can't having you escaping or else that will cause us some problems." Kisame put a hand to the back of his head and laughed.

"Next we're going to cut off your arms so that you won't be able to make any hand signs. We don't want you to be able to fight back or anything ha ha. After we're going to tie you up and knock you unconscious so that when we take you to our hideout, you won't know where it is. We're going to take you to our boss and then we're going to… to… nee, Itachi, what does THAT say?" Kisame pointed at one of the extremely small, squiggly-scribbled words on the long piece of paper he was holding.

Itachi's eyes went uber Sharingan and his Sharingan points span around in a circle on his eyeballs for a few seconds until they stopped and formed a target sign on his eyes.

"extract the power of the Ninth Jinchuuriki." Read Itachi.

"Yeah, what he said. Then we're going to—"

"Enough Kisame." Itachi paused dramatically for a few seconds. "It's been a while, Sasuke."

"Uchiha... Itachi." Sasuke said very provocatively at the end of the hallway.

"Oh, a miniature Itachi!" Kisame squeeled. "And he comes with his very own Sharingan and everything!"

"That, Kisame, is my little brother whom I had spared for fans to take advantage of the potential shounen-ai incesty hints in the future."

"I won't allow you to harm Naruto, my one and only LOVE!"

"Sasuke…" Naruto said lovingly, before he quirked an eyebrow. "You're a queer?"

"Yes," Sasuke admitted, "I…. am an Avenger!" Thunder and blue lightning in the background "I have also come to avenge the deaths of all those zucchinis you murdered with your hands so long ago!"

"Eh, wait, don't you want to avenge the deaths of your parents and whole clan Dattebayo?"

"Of course, I knew you would be the one to face me. You were always the good one, never wasted not even a single slice of zucchini for dinner.

That's why; I had to kill them all!"

Both brothers stared each other down with Sharingan eyes.

'Oh no,' thought Naruto, 'now my mind is going to play a series of substantial flashbacks between me and Sasuke with heavily hinted shounen-ai content!'

Sasuke pulled back the collar of his shirt to show off his PHAT(Pretty Hot And Tempting) neck as numerous and mysterious background fangirl sighs were heard and began collecting chakra to his left hand.

"I did as you had told me. I hated you, despised you. And now, I'm going to kill you!"

The built up chakra in Sasuke's hand resembled little bolts of blue lightning and had the sound effect 'zuki-zuki-zuki' which Naruto thought sounded very much like the beginning of the word "zucchini".

Itachi narrowed his eyes at Sasuke. 'When did he learn the Chidori a.k.a "Zucchidori"?'

Sasuke yelled at the top of his lungs. Swinging his left arm into the poor hotel wall beside him, he began ninja-sprinting towards his older brother, leaving a trail of crumbled wall that had made contact with his "Zucchidori".

"Bada bada bada bada bada!" cried Sasuke before he thrust his left arm forward into Itachi.

BAAAAAMMMM!

A huge heart shaped hole was left in the side of the hotel building where Itachi had easily deflected Sasuke's attack.

Itachi, who was still holding Sasuke's wrist in his right hand, bent down slightly and began tickling under Sasuke's vulnerable armpit, which Sasuke immediately succumb to, laughing hysterically under the tickly menstruations.

'Oh no! I have to do something, Dattebayo!' thought Naruto. As he reached for the chakra of the Kyuubi, Kisame swung down his bandaged sword right in front of Naruto, shaving and devouring the redish-orange chakra.

"Ah, what happened to all of my chakra, Dattebayo?"

Kisame lifted his sword again and leaned it against his right shoulder. "This is my Samehada. Even though it translates to sharkskin, it's actually a giant zucchini that destroys zucchinis."

"Uhhh… Okaaaayy." Naruto paused. "…Dattebayo."

Itachi's eye twitched again. 'What was that insistent buzzing in his ear?'

Itachi turned around to face Naruto, leaving a poor immobile Sasuke clutching his stomach and still laughing on the wooden floor.

'Well, no matter.' Thought Itachi. "With your power, we shall be able to destroy all the zucchinis in the universe!"

"I think zucchinis only exist on earth, Dattebayo." Said Naruto, backing away from the Akatsuki pair. He couldn't bring forth any chakra from within himself at all.

"Hehe," Kisame chuckled, "It's choppy choppy time!" As he swung down the "Giant Zucchini" about to cut down upon the aspiring blond hokage, a huge puff of Kuchiyose no Jutsu smoke appeared between Naruto and Samehada.

A percussion of temple wood blocks began to play in the background.

"You probably havn't heard of me before." Declared a confident voice from behind the smoke and Naruto.

When the smoke cleared, Naruto found that he had been an inch away from losing his manhood for ever. Samehada was wedged into the hallway floor right between his legs. If it hadn't been for the smoke that had surprised him, he probably would have lost much more than just his gender.

There, beside the wedged Samehada, was a giant toad hitting two round, wood blocks together creating a rhythmic beat.

The voice spoke up again. "I am Jiraiya! The man who is better at being seduced by a girl than winning one! I will allow any women to seduce me with her beauty. When you become gay like me, women will be terrified of your own beauty!"

Everyone in the hallway, except Jiraiya himself, sweat dropped as the head of the manikin girl swung over Jiraiya's right shoulder fell off.

"I see..." continued the clueless Sannin, "so you were after the Nine Zucchini Tailed Fox Demon after all."

"No," interrupted Sasuke who had regained his posture somewhat, although his rumbling chest suggested that he was still experiencing the after effects of the tickle attack he had just taken. "I… ha ha ha… will be the one to kill my brother."

"Don't be ridiculous. How can a miniature Itachi beat the original Itachi? That's just not possible. Nothing can EVER beat the original."

"NO! I will not allow you to steal my fight old man!"

"Who are you calling old! I'm still only 50 years old!"

Itachi stared zombie-ishly at the bickering duo before turning back to Naruto. "Now. Where were we again?"

"Itachi!" Sasuke cried before punching out with a fist which Itachi easily dodged and retaliated with a swift side kick into Sasuke's stomach.

Sasuke flew back and hit the wall at the end of the hallway.

"Sasuke, Dattebayo!" Naruto cried out, and with such anguish that fan girls were forced to come out with their "Root the Underdog" t-shirts and weep along with him.

'Argh!' Itachi clutched his head. There it was again, the insistent buzzing. What was causing it?

"No Naruto! Don't come over here! I'm," Sasuke attempted to stand, "going to protect you!"

'Could it be the… LOVE?' Itachi thought, searching through his noodle databases on how love could be used as a depressant. There was only one solution.

"Alright Sasuke," said Itachi as he calmly walked up to the now kneeling younger brother and picked him up by the neck, "I accept your challenge. But we will take this fight…to Tsukuyomi!" Itachi's eyes turned Mangekyou Sharingan and Sasuke soon found himself in a whole other world tinted in black and red.

"No… not... this place again…" Sasuke began hyperventilating. "Yes," replied the older brother, "I believe you remember THOSE." Itachi pointed to a shadowed pyramid of strange fluffy objects in the middle of the street.

It was a pile of plushies.

Each plushy had a fork tied onto one of their fabric paws with hardened, old, silly string, and on the forks were mini zucchinis. Zucchini juice ran down each fork. Sasuke's pupils began to dodge on his eyeballs. "No… not.. plushies... anything but PLUSHIES.."

Itachi picked up a cute teddy bear from the pile and hurled it at Sasuke. The plushy hit its target dead center with a "Hehe!" that sounded very much like that of a dough created chef in the commercials on TV. Sasuke screamed. "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Meanwhile, Meanwhile, Meanwhile, Meanwhile, Meanwhile, Outside of the Genjutsu World…

"AAAHHHHHHH! AAAAHHHHH! AAAAHHHHH!" Sasuke was screaming.

Kisame grinned. "No one can fight against the plushy power of the Plushy Moon Phase!"

"No, Dattebayo, SASUKE!" Naruto sobbed, this time attracting twice as many fan girls, and even some fan guys, with matching "♥Sasu/Naru♥" flags in their hands.

"Ero-sennin! We've got to do something!" Naruto turned to Jiraiya, who was kneeling beside the manikin doll, adjusting its head upon its neck so that it would resemble a person again. He attempted angling the head at a more 90 degrees from the neck and the right arm fell out of its socket for no reason. "Wait a second Naruto, this lady here has an extremely heavy disability."

"No, Ero-sennin! We have to stop Itachi right now!" Naruto finished his sentence as he kicked the manikin head off its place on the neck and square into Kisame's face and stuck there. When Kisame pulled the plastic head out of his face---

"Ahhhh, Dattebayo!" Naruto pointed at Kisame's face which had mutated somehow into the face of an extremely beautiful lady with blue skin and hair.

"Oh NOO!" Screamed Jiraiya at his beheaded girlfriend. He turned to face the direction where Kisame and Itachi were. "You will pay for taunting this beautiful lady's disability! Ninpou Zucchini Shibari!" Jiraiya's hands swiftly formed numerous hand signs in less than three seconds and placed his hands on the wooden floor.

Itachi came back from the genjutsu world to find strange light green substances growing out and expanding from the hotel walls and floors. He let go of Sasuke who was sucked lifelessly into the squishy walls. "What is this?"

"Sorry but you're out of luck. We are now all inside the esophagus of a giant zucchini! Hoho there's no way out of these walls. You will make a lovely dinner for the giant zucchini of Myouboku Mountain's zucchini farm!"

"Big deal," said Itachi as Kisame somehow cut into the veggie walls with his still bandaged sword, creating perfectly sliced and ready to eat zucchini slices floating in mid air with sparkling zucchini juice floating alongside the slices and Beethovens Symphony No.9 Ode To Joy playing in the background for the few seconds that they stayed there in the air.

"Nee Ero-sennin, Zucchini's don't have intestines, Dattebayo." The music stopped abruptly and Itachi stumbled.

"They don't even have a digestive system, Dattebayo." This time, Itachi winced and clutched his head.

"They aren't even ALIVE, Dattebayo!" Itachi was feeling the negative effects of some CERTAIN syllables in waves.

"..Dattebayo…. Daaaaatteeeeeebaaayoooo…DA-TTE-BA-YO." Itachi screamed out in pain.

"ARGGGHHH! That word... so imperfect… and linguistically… wrong! Must... get away...! Come Kisame!" Itachi ran down the hallways followed by Kisame as some zucchini seeds came bulleting after them. After turning into a hallway with a dead end, Itachi concentrated the remainder of his chakra into his eyes. "Amaterasu!"

"Ahh!" yelled Naruto in surprise as the whole hotel shook from the unknown attack caused by Itachi. "No!" cried Jiraiya, running towards the source of the attack. Naruto followed Jiraiya to the dead ended hallway, only to find two holes leading to the outside with a zigzaggy pillar in between them. It had been a broken heart shaped attack.

Meanwhile, Meanwhile, Meanwhile, Meanwhile, Meanwhile, Meanwhile, In the Middle of an Unknown Lake…

'Damn!' Thought Itachi as he swiftly jumped across the lake water, leaving ripples behind from where he had stepped. 'It seems we underestimated the Nine Zucchini Tailed Fox Demon. We were unaware of its self defense mechanism a.k.a "THAT word."'

"Eh, Itachi? Are we ever going to get the Nine Zucchini Tailed Fox Demon so that we can rid the world of zucchinis once and for all?"

Itachi's eyes narrowed as he replied "Mark my words. The Zucchinis will pay. And the Nine Zucchini Tailed Fox Demon will become ours one day in the near future! But for now, we shall work with the rest of our Akatsuki brethren in gaining as many Jinchuurikis as we can. Akatsuki's next target: The First Jinchuuriki. Mwahahahaha."

Both Itachi and Kisame did the trademark evil laughter before they disappeared into the horizon. The Zucchinnis would fall before them.

* * *

a/n: And thus you see, it wasn't Jiraiya who drove Itachi and Kisame away, it was Naruto's consistency of saying Dattebayo . ;;; Oh yeah, I noticed before that some people, for instance my friends, didn't know what a zucchini was! Gasp! They're basically cucumbers only bigger. 

Um, I had some pretty vague parodies here. Like when Sasuke ran down the hallway towards Itachi saying "Bada bada bada bada bada!", it was a weak attempt at a Hamtaro parody .; If you havn't seen Hamtaro, "Bada bada" is what the ham-hams say when they run. Haha and I don't even like Hamtaro the anime too much. Why am I writing it? .

Chidori- One Thousand Birds

Tsukuyomi Moon Phase- (I added in the Plushy part of "Plushy Moon Phase" in case no one noticed)

Ninpou Gamaguchi Shibari- Frog Mouth Trap (the original jutsu name :P)  
Amaterasu- God Of The Sun

It would have been cool if I could have found the Japanese words for plushy and zucchini o. Sadly, I don't think I'll be able to update this fic for a while. This chapter literally took me two weeks to write, mainly because of all the attempts in trying to think up of stupid things to do to the poor cast of Naruto and totally destroying them and yeah.

Hmm, until the next chapter, Bai bai for now x. x !

* * *

(PART 2) 

Itachi flashbacks to his past battle with Kakashi and the green zucchini giant of Konoha.


End file.
